TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully from place. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have another place in which American Adult men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present everyone a suite about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You understand, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from space, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting attention from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount can even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort the place my PTSD might have transform-down support."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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